I’m feeling really emotional right now. I just feel really irritated and very lonely. I went from feeling manic to depressive in a matter of seconds. I went from feeling okay with my body to feeling totally disgusted and feeling like I need another shower.
Like my sex drive is beyond through the roof but I don’t want sex at all. I just want to be held right now. I want to lay in bed and cuddle. I want to feel like someone cares about me and my feelings. I want to lay in bed and kiss and hold each other and just cuddle. Just the thought of someone wanting me in that way without having to have sex would be nice.
I’m not sure how realistic I’m being with this but its what I need right now. It gets kind of lonely holding yourself all the time. And I feel real lonely and sad.
I don’t tell a lot of people that. I don’t tell them how sad I am. I don’t talk about how I cry every day because I feel like a really bad person. I don’t tell anyone how I think about killing myself because the pain is so bad. I don’t talk about how I don’t feel like an adult because I can’t function in the real world by myself. I don’t talk about how I’m so independent that I’m still kind of dependant on my befriend for simple things because I was never taught them.
I don’t tell people that what they say really does hurt my feelings but I’ve become so immune to their comments that I’m used to getting my feelings hurt by people especially people who I thought cared about me. From my dad saying I disappointed him when I was raped, my motger telling me sge didn’t want anything to do with me, my ex saying they were glad I got raped to my bestfiend making fun of my memory being bad because of the bipolar disorder.
I just find it so fucking hilarious when I’m the one managing the bipolar disorder but somehow or another I can manage to watch what I say to people even when I’m pissed off and angry. I can still fucking manage to shut my mouth and show some damn compassion and yet other people can’t. But I’m the fucked up one right? I’m the crazy one, the one with issues though.
I don’t know why I care so damn much about other people. I don’t know why I’m so damn concerned and protective of their feelings when I know no ones worried about mine. Its heart breaking. Like I can literally feel my heart start to hurt and my hands shake a little and I just want to give up and break down and cry.
Tge next couple of days are gonna be rough. I just don’t like being me. I really do wish I wasn’t this sensitive and caring. Its my biggest weakness and flaw….